More Random Thoughts: The English and food; a consumer's viewpoint

It was always going to happen. After having eaten my own body weight in full English breakfasts these last 3 weeks, some thought regurgitation is due. It is as follows

• Menu composition and embellishment is the same here as at home. It follows the familiar 'frothing at the mouth' style long favoured by disciples of poor cooking. You are bound by law here to include at least 2 of these phrases per line of menu "hand picked" "farm reared" "carefully selected" and fully ripened".
• Spelling errors are mandatory, and if the thought process stalls, you must insert an undeserved apostrophe. One menu today told me I could have a half serve of any of the sandwiches listed 'bellow'. Even with my ear really close to the plate I couldn't hear anything.
• The decoration of the outside of main course plates continues apace. Is it sawdust, talcum powder, chef's dandruff or termite frass?
• The delight of anything remotely exotic is practised here. If the wine is faintly red and perhaps Spanish it is Rioja and if it clearly isn't then it may be presented as having been stored on the same shelves as the Rioja so as to gain a vicarious benefit in taste. Could a native French speaker determine the provenance of a particular wine by its label or could perhaps the locality be a dodgy outer suburb of Marseille? A wine on the list the other night was from the noted Australian vineyard "Wooloomooloo". Can someone tell me if John Laws has a few rogue vines in pots on the finger wharf of has Russell Crowe started yet another new venture?
• Does it make me enjoy my rasher of bacon any better when I know that the pig's back was scratched just prior to its slaughter by two volunteers from the local village's Under 15 Girls' Hockey team?
• Is my steak genetically more tender because it came from the West Country of England or do all meat wagons secretly pass through a pulveriser just before Swindon on the M4?
• What is the dividing line between prawns, shrimp and scampi? Why is it necessary to list "prawns" separately from "prawns in shells"?Is it possible that some people have an allergy to removing prawns from their shell as well as eating prawns?
• Do organic, free-range eggs develop strategies to maintain their distinctively special flavour when they are cracked into a frying pan of fat at about 450 degrees Farenheit? Is there any method for maintaining the separation of the organic, free-range egg from the nearby barn-raised, open-sided shedding and access to fresh air egg that an apprentice chef can use?
• When we drink semi-skimmed milk is it really just society's acceptance of inadequate training within food processing industries? Does someone actually skim just half of the surface area of the vessel or do they skim exactly half the thickness of cream across the whole surface?
• Is "wild trout" merely a description of environmental conditions or is it really indicative of a fish with, shall we say, issues? Is there perhaps a "scale" of disorders against which the degree of wildness can be measured?
• When you eat meat from a rare breed of animal are you actively contributing to extinction on this planet? If you prefer your steak lightly cooked then could it be extraordinarily rare beef?
• Can records detect if a full English breakfast has only included baked beans since Shane Warne played county cricket with Hampshire?

Well, I'm off to put the nuclear spellcheck on now so that I'm not hoist on my own petard. Garcon, save that last piece of fried bread and black pudding for me!!